Almost three months ago I landed a new job in Boston and gave my two weeks notice. I continued working very hard, but I didn’t want to waste the opportunity to try something new, so I grew a beard for the first time in my life.
Boy, did it change my outlook. I felt transformed—it was like a second puberty.
Unfortunately, I did not track how many days I grew it, nor did I take a daily photograph. Both would’ve been very interesting blog-worthy stories. Alas, I now keep it quaffed, since I don’t want to look like the cast of Duck Dynasty.
To prepare, I did my research (and yours). Here’s what I learned:
- Baby Oil—it’s good for fighting that initial itchy phase. I used it right before bed. Cotton balls work, but I preferred using those little cotton discs things (that’s the technical term). I “borrowed” mine from Lisa. In case your flying Han Solo, I don’t recommend buying 800…
- Witch Hazel—Witch what?! It’s nature’s astringent and an absolute must. The baby oil is a luxury item, but this is not. Show that itch whose boss! Get some here or here.
- Biotin—in all likelihood it won’t hurt, but you could also just be making very expensive urine.
- A Comb—you’ve made it this far; in the unlikely event you’ve taken all my other advice and are still thinking “what for?” I’ll remind you: Quack, quack.
- Balm—do you throw LA Looks in before hitting the town? Why not your face? Besides, this stuff smells like man in a can.
- Trimmer—did you already forget? Here’s mine. What on earth is this?!